Wellness / Self-care

I’ve hit that point again.. There's a very distinct feeling and moment at which I begin to realize I'm starting to feel drained.  It's like the moment you're driving along and the orange gas light pops on to let you know you're getting close to empty, getting close to needing a fill.  That's me, in this moment.  Self care is easily forgettable.  For me when life gets busy, our social calendar is filled up, there are people who demand attention and care, it's spring and I'm feeling the urgency of newness, needing to get the garden cleaned up and vegetable seed orders placed, taxes, main floor ceilings that needs to be repainted - life.  And it's a balance of the thrill of knowing I'm running on empty and pushing the limits, while also being aware that I'm about to hit a wall and be empty, stranded on the side of the road when it's not fun or thrilling anymore.  

I shouldn't be surprised or taken aback when I reach this point.  To give some back story beyond the mundane adult things of life simply piling up.. This year started off a little rocky.  I don't know about any one else but when life feels like an uphill climb its super easy to revert back to familiar patterns and behaviours because it's comfortable.  Because it feels like you can sink back into something and somehow feel cared for and comforted by that rather than feel like you have the energy to forge forward, to carve out healthier patterns, to live the life you work at creating, to be thoughtful and intentional.  Quite frankly it's too exhausting.  AND there's no possible way that 12 months of every year can be that way.  There needs to be new and different seasons, even difficult ones.  It can still be hard to accept.  

I'm a natural taker-carer-of people.  It's easier for me to worry and love on others than it is to say no and focus on myself.  I love being someone that humans in my life feel they have a listening ear in, a beautiful home to come to, a delicious meal to enjoy, a refuge, steadiness, consistency...  But, those qualities also mean that taking care of myself is something I have to work at remembering.  It's not even about it being selfish.  I don't really worry about that piece.  It's about actually remembering to stop and offer myself some time, some refill, some down time.  That life giving stuff.  Without it I stop being able to offer that space and care and love to others and in turn I start being less of myself, possibly even a lesser version of myself.  

I woke up a few nights ago at 2:00am (which has become common in the last few months and this time just happened to correspond with the New Moon, hmmm) and I had a zillion revelations about ways in which I've fallen/reverted back into patterns and habits that I've spent years trying to work through and get past.  Aside from it being an annoyance to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart and mind racing, I felt as though something in me finally clicked and perhaps it means I have clarity in how to move forward instead of remain stuck.  The New Moon somehow hit my refresh button.  

Sometimes it feels like the universe divinely intervenes to create the space and opportunity for re-charging.  We are heading to the mountains for a long weekend with friends.  The thing is this weekend has been pre-planned for months and yet the timing couldn't have been more perfect.  The plans are to be with friends who are the life giving kind.  Go to the spa.  Have a few margaritas, followed by mimosas the next morning.  Games late into the night.  The important stuff of life.  The stuff that gives me a chance to reset.  To be more clear minded so that I can come back to everyday life and strive more, forge forward, to be the best version of who I want to be.  To feel how I want to feel.  To know how to balance caring for others and caring for myself.