Pursuit

Photo by  Kaihla Tonai

Photo by Kaihla Tonai

As I type this I’m sitting on the floor in my living room, a candle lit, palo santo burning, and the sun hot on my back. My intention was to go to the cafe this morning and write. To be around the energy of those stopping, meeting, connecting, rushing. But, when the sun is streaming through the front window, and you can see the sunbeams, you sit and stay in it. Winter is a funny thing here. Last night I went outside and shovelled our neglected snow packed drive way and came inside to cook dinner. I was inside for a matter of a few minutes and in the next glance out the window it looked like a snow globe - a complete white out and fury of snowfall. Then, this morning, sunbeams streaming in my window. Both inviting me to just stay.

It’s mid February as I write this. A week away from the end of the second month of a new year. Life has taken on a completely new direction and feels so far from where we were, who we were, and what we thought we wanted just days ago. Truthfully, I’m uncomfortable with the in-betweens, the struggle, and the anything less than positive light filled way forward. The last part of 2018 was much of that for me. But I’m understanding how to reflect gratitude on the rocky parts of this journey. On the other side I can start to see the purpose, the reason, and the necessity, and I’ve never felt clearer, lighter or more free.

Have you ever suddenly look up and realize you’re lost? You’ve ventured further in than you realized, been so focused on each step you couldn’t look away that when you finally do look up you don’t know which direction to take the next step? It didn’t happen overnight, more like slowly over the course of a few years. Until I lost connection to my magic. Stepping into this year I finally found my bearings and felt my heart light up in a way it hasn’t for too much time.

Pursuit is my word for 2019. Wildfire pursuit. Pursuit to surround myself with magic, beauty, deep connection, a truer purpose, and a fresh new direction. We’ve started this leg of the journey. The wheels are in motion. James and I have both rediscovered our flow, both separately and together. We are in alignment again, with the next step clearly laid out in front of us. I hate to admit that I forgot what allowance, and support, and trusting in the mystery of the universe felt like. It feels like I don’t have to work to control the current, or struggle so hard to rebuild something to redirect it. It feels like everything is in agreement that this is how we are meant to take our next step and move forward. It feels like the sunshine streaming in the window inviting me to sit, feeling reassuring warmth at my back. Feeling deeply that I've found my flow. That my heart is lit up, and that it’s not just me working in the pursuit of this new direction. It’s everything + everyone around me.